- Countries Visited: NZ when I was way too young to even remember it
- Travel Wishlist: USA (particularly LA, New York & Colorado), UK, New Zealand, more of Australia
- Locked down in: Blackburn, Melbourne, Victoria
“Bottom line is, even if you see ‘em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we? Helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come you can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are.”
So here we are….
Week whatever of whenever in the year that seems to go on forever.
In all seriousness though it seems the worlds gone mad, and it’s hard to believe that all it took was a virus to unleash chaos.
But to be honest perhaps the world started going mad long before this year, and this year has actually made people step back and realise it a little bit more, most for the first time. I mean what else are people supposed to do considering everybody seems to have so much more free time on their hands nowadays.
Along with chaos, restlessness stews amongst the public.
If there’s one thing the madness can prove, it’s that nobody can be alone with their own thoughts for too long. Perhaps because it forces us all to see what the world really is becoming. Perhaps because we are forced to face the apocalypse head on for the first time with no pointless rituals to keep our minds occupied until our days end.
Maybe that’s a little too dark, but it comes from a truthful place.
At times like this people long for hope. The hope we found in simple things that we all took for granted once upon a time.
Hope that we can hook up with a stranger on the sweaty dance floor of a nightclub while Ariana Grande blasts through our ears.
Hope that we can celebrate the birthdays that seem to rush by too quickly.
Hope that we can see our favourite performers in the flesh, for what seems like a once in a lifetime experience.
Hope that we continue our lifetimes long enough to see those we love again, or make something of ourselves.
Covid took a lot of that hope away. It’s grim but it’s true. Happiness is a scarce quality this year, and while we all look to each other for comfort and guidance, nobody really seems to have any solid answers. So hope is dashed……in a sense at least.
And then comes the real chaos amongst all that. The daily tragic occurrences that we once scrolled past without a second glance all seem to hit us twice as hard.
The fires, the floods, the fighting, the protests, the fucking. The fucking done to us by those in power, by those we are supposed to trust.
Like anybody trusts them anyway……if you really ever did, I guess you went mad long ago.
It’s even harder at times like this when we lose family members, homes, jobs, basic necessities, freedom.
To watch billionaires become trillonares.
To watch the rich become richer while most people are begging for help.
While artists that once fed our country the pure joy of entertainment are taken for granted and treated like their careers were just glorified hobbies. Because it was their choice right?
Now when this all began, nobody could’ve predicted what was to come…..well some probably could have but no doubt everybody thought they were just some quacks who probably took too much LSD at Coachella last year.
When this all began we spoke of it as nothing, another cold. Then things got worse rapidly and suddenly I’m in September in what almost seems like an entirely different world.
I mean it pretty much is…..what do we go back to?
Do we go back to working hours everyday just to get by? While those trillionares find numbers even higher than we could ever possibly imagine to then fund projects to launch themselves and the rest of their rich mates to some other planets they can destroy while they leave the rest of us behind.
I’m not here to start a revolution (though god knows we need one), I’m just here to point out what’s important….to me anyway.
There’s been times in this Pandemic I truly felt as if I had somehow been placed in my own personal hell, but then I realised how utterly privileged I was to be thinking such things in the first place.
Me. Somebody sitting in a warm house, being paid to stay home, with my family. What a joke I felt.
But my emotions do matter, just as anybodies do at the moment. But when I think how bad it is, I think of how bad it truly could be.
It’s all about perspective.
I have been so fortunate to have not experienced the loss of a family member to this virus and I thank whatever higher powers that be everyday for that, even if it’s not out loud.
But the fear that consumes me seems never-ending.
I lost my mother at a very early age, and my father is immuno compromised, as is my uncle who I am currently living with as well.
Along with them I have my Nana who is also very vulnerable to this virus but a big part of our everyday lives.
So though I am fortunate, I am scared. Terrified even.
Death is such a strange concept to me and I don’t like to think too much into it. Not because I don’t believe that there is something we go on to, but I just simply can’t imagine life without my family. Sometimes it’s like I mourn people before they’ve left me…..maybe so it will hurt less when they eventually do.
This virus did take a lover away from me.
He left for his own country in the early days to ensure he could get back to his family….I guess I can’t be mad about that. But I am.
With him went my heart. And I cried for fucking days, weeks. Fuck it. I cried for months.
Long distance isn’t easy, and what I thought would last forever, hasn’t even lasted until the end of the year.
Sure that’s sad.
But maybe it’s what I need, to stand on my own two feet. Maybe it’s time to love myself instead for a change.
I decided as I watched the world go mad, I couldn’t join it….and the more weed I smoked, the more difficult that became. I mean I had nothing else to do so sitting home all day and smoking the day away seemed like a great idea.
Time was already a blur, but it seemed to become entirely non existent. Nothing was anything anymore. I barely felt emotion, and the lack of dreaming weed brought slowly sent me spiralling.
So I quit. Not too long before writing this actually, and honestly I couldn’t tell you how long I’ve been sober now because I still struggle putting the days together and keeping track of the dates.
But I can tell you it’s like meeting myself for the first time all over again.
I’m not perfect by any means, I mean who is right now.
But I’ve overcome the worst of it (I think).
It’s been so nice to dream again, to feel energy pulsing through me again, to be productive and actually give a shit about myself again. None of the self care seemed to matter when I was stoned all day.
But I made it. Alone.
Sure I had friends to chat with for support but withdrawals are not something anybody can really help with.
The crippling anxiety that still seems to almost trickle in at times was one of the worst things I’d ever felt. It’s much more subtle now whenever it does present itself, and way way more manageable but I won’t pretend there isn’t times when it still slithers in ever so slightly.
If there’s anything this year has taught me, it’s to really understand what’s important.
Now as I’m only in my early 20s I’m sure I have plenty more to experience that will alter my perceptions of what’s important but I know that love is real. Love is powerful and it’s what the world needs.
Before this I worked as much as I could and my job seemed the most important thing to me. As it does to most people. But I’d give up my job five times over to arrive home and see the man I love sitting in my bed with that beautiful smile on his face.
People matter. Love matters. That’s what’s important.
My friends are what matter. My family is what matters. Experiences matter. Life matters.
When this virus is over and we try to reinstate whatever sense of normalcy that’s possible.
Please ask yourself what matters to you. Then go and get it.
I’m not saying drop your life and change everything overnight. But really think about what you want from life.
Think about the life you lead, the people you meet, the words you speak.
I don’t know, maybe I’m the mad one after all of this, but life is more than just staying inside.
And the people begging for freedom right now are some of the same ones trapped by a capitalist system that forces you to waste your life slaving away to make ends meet.
My friend James who invited me to write this piece has always been an adventurer, and I’ve always admired him for it. He may not know it but he has lived a life so many people could only dream of…actually I’m sure he knows it and is very grateful.
When this is all over, I wanna have more family dinners. Share more laughs. Skate with my friends and fall on my ass but have a great time doing it.
I wanna go to the beach even though I hate the sea.
I wanna travel the US….probably not under Trump’s power but fingers crossed that’s over this year.
I wanna see Colorado, California, hell maybe even Texas.
I wanna see a broadway show in New York City
I wanna try and eat the most disgusting greasy concoctions I could think of.
I wanna dance the night away at my favourite gay club with my best friends from high school.
I wanna hear the sweet angel voice of Tori Kelly melt through my ears like warm butter (if her rescheduled tour dates hold up)
I wanna see what Harley Quinn becomes portrayed by the sensational Margot Robbie in the next however many movies DC decides to make.
I wanna hear Ariana Grande’s new album and cry my eyes out when I finally get the opportunity to see her live again someday.
I wanna get so many more tattoos.
I wanna fall in love again.
I wanna fuck.
I wanna sing my little heart out in front of an entire audience and finally feel like I’m living.
I wanna make stupid YouTube videos talking about nothing and everything at the same time.
I wanna play guitar less terribly.
I wanna see more movies while they’re actually in the theatres.
I wanna try ice skating and feel like Tonya Harding (minus the entire world tearing my life away from me).
I wanna love my body and show it off.
I wanna find more outfits to put together even though I’m pretty sure I have more clothes than I could possibly ever wear already.
I wanna meet Paris Hilton for a third time and dance with her and hug her like the angel she is.
I wanna take my Dad shopping. I wanna teach my Nana how to use the internet.
I wanna go visit my aunt who’s a nun and always brings me such joy knowing she has found peace with her religion.
I wanna see my grandparents on my mothers side and perhaps hear stories about my mother that I never heard before.
I don’t know when it all ends and what the next beginning will be.
But this year isn’t the be all and end all that the media makes it out to be.
We’ve got some fight left in us, and we can do this. If you think you can’t, just remember the whole world’s behind you.
Spread the love you wanna see in your life and you may be lucky enough for a little bit of that magic to come back to you. But don’t expect the magic to be winning the lottery or finding your soulmate tomorrow.
Perhaps the magic is a smile from every customer you serve. A laugh with your friends. A hug from a loved one. It’s all magic we had once upon a time that so many seem to think is dead at the moment. But we are all truly Charmed, even if we don’t know it.
Remember it’s all about perspective!
If you’ve honestly made it this far, congrats……I mean in terms of reading, but in life as well.
I leave you now.
Kick ass and blessed be!